The Kindness Tree

TOMORROW BEGINS WITH TODAY

So what's your game plan?  Set goals, give up bad habits, commit to your best effort in the next week, month, year.

What if you do not have such clarity? What if you don’t feel up for the challenge? What if you are stuck in your own inertia.


What if, what if, what if ……

Life is always about loss & gain. It is about beginnings & endings.  My children are all growing into adulthood and moving in different directions.  Our tight family “circle” is in a clear state of metamorphosis. My career goals are not yet crystallized, and my body is definitely showing signs of aging which is completely out of my control.

One minute, I feel  I am unraveling. The edges are frayed and do not fit together well.  Other times, I feel as clear as crystal. How do you stay on course when the only thing predictable is the unpredictability of life.

In my clearer moments, I can assure myself that change is about unfolding, not unraveling. That what feels like blurred vision is about staying focused within. It means learning, as Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot says in her book  *The Third Chapter: Passion, Risk and Adventure in the 25 Years ,"you must learn to flow with the river rather than fight the current".  I remind myself daily that it is all about the race not the finish line.
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Share your journey and helpful tips that we can all learn from. Can't wait to hear from you.
Recommended Readings:

*Finding Your Way Home by Melody Beattie
*Miraculous Living by Rabbi Shoni Labowitz
*Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser
*The Third Chapter: Passion, Risk and Adventure in the 25 Years after 50
   by Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot

How To Make Someone's Day

HOW TO MAKE SOMEONE’S DAY AND BUILD FAMILY BONDS

Our world is filled with competition, a quest for power, materialism and all the ingredients that have contributed to our current state of world affairs. You may ask, what can I do? I am just one individual in the midst of a system that is greater than the sum of it’s parts.  And, what does this have to do with building family relationships? Glad you asked.

After the birth of my third son, I soon realized that I needed to be proactive, as well as creative, in combating the competitive, one-upmanship nature of boys.  When my sons were early school age, I designed a kindness board which was used to reinforce Acts of Kindness toward one another, including Mom and Dad. Visitors loved the idea and I can only say, now that my children are grown, that the greatest compliment that I have received as they were growing up was that I have “really nice kids.” In today’s world, that says quite a bit.

Imagine teaching your children, from a very early age, a way to feel good every day.  How, by one simple act, they can make someone else smile, even if they do not know them, and feel good by doing so.  Showing them that being kind to others is like a BIG HUG with your heart.

  As parents, it is easy to get caught up in encouraging the competitive side of your child. Isn’t it all about winning? Whether in soccer at 6 or being voted class president or ranking high as a High School senior to get into the best college, the message is the same.  I will never forget the time that my youngest son was nine years old and playing goalie at a state soccer competition. The coach gave the kids a “pep talk” during half time about the fact that there can be only one winner. My heart hurt thinking of the pressure on my son and the other team members.

As the world reinforces the importance of competition and winning, many parents fail to pay enough attention to our “kinder” side. Kindness is one of those traits that we “assume” our children will have but do not give teaching it enough attention. If only we could, each and every one of us, realize and actively reinforce the value of kindness, imagine the possibilities.

 Building kindness into your family value system will result in more warmth and caring within your family and enable children to take this extremely important value with them when they grow up and create their own lives.

This is the time to pass on the message of the amazing power of Random Acts of Kindness and its value as the greatest gift from the heart. The best part is that it doesn’t even cost anything!

SEEING THE LIGHT!!

I learned many lessons growing up about being responsible, working hard and doing my best. My parents, like most parents in that generation, had a strong work ethic and dealt with problems by either sweep things under the rug or fixing them.

I don't recall many lessons that embraced the idea of "being in the moment." Children seize the moment all the time through play and creative thinking. When my children were small, I loved to play with them and become apart of the creative world of their (and my) imagination.

So what happens when your children grow up? Where do we, as middle age adults, find ways to cherish each moment?  How can we learn to empower ourselves and inspire our children as they grow into adulthood to see each experience, bad or good, as an opportunity to grow. For me, I have found these teachings and "life philosophy" through a spiritual journey. WHERE CAN YOU FIND YOURS?

Some ideas to consider:

BREAKING IT DOWN

 Life seems to be plagued with stresses, challenges and expectations. In our world today, it feels like this pressure cooker is imposed on our children at a younger and younger age. My 17 year old son recently got a job for the summer. After two weeks, he came home and said "this is not working for me." It would have been easy to fall into the trap of giving my "parental advice" on how it is important to work and he should earn some money, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ... Instead, I engaged him in the process of better defining what parts of the job he didn't like and we talked about alternative ways of dealing with this. End result, I hope he has gotten the message that his feelings are valued and he should trust his gut reactions and not discount them whatever the final solution will be.

TAKING RISKS

Demands for success-financial and otherwise-can easily dictate how we behave. For me, taking risks was always associated with anxiety and fear of failure. In recent years, I have focused on learning  to embrace risks as opportunities and redirect my energy on the process of  "stepping out of the box" rather than the outcome.  You will be surprised the joys and fun you can have when you let go of the anxiety.

LETTING GO

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING! When your thinking is positive, your actions can follow. I have come to appreciate that the small things that may bother me are not worth using my energy for. Often it takes a crisis to help people put things into perspective. I work toward having that perspective all the time.
Appreciate and be grateful for the positive things that surround you-they may be as simple as a sunny day or seeing the moon in the morning sky. I believe the expression is "Smell the Roses." Without saying a word, we can teach our children this invaluable way of thinking and living through modeling this and making this part of who we are (or are becoming).

JUST SHOW UP

We have coined that phrase in my family to mean-you never know what opportunities are available if you don't seize the moment. Plus, having a open mind and less expectations invites something valuable into your life even if you do not realize it at the time.

WHO MAKES THE RULES: PARENTS OR KIDS?

    In retrospect, it seems so clear to me who was in charge when my children were young . I  was very comfortable disciplining as long as I identified the problem and was clear on the rationale for my disciplinary actions. Perhaps, time has blurred my vision. I don't doubt that. Things always seem easier when you no longer need to worry about them.

Making decisons for my children now that are ages 14 and 17 is less clear. When should you  allow them the freedom to make their own choices?  The stakes seem higher now. I would like to tell my story in the form of a letter to my son.

I wish I knew the best thing to do for you. On the one hand, I know you are capable of doing anything you put your mind to and succeeding at that. All your teachers have always said the same thing: "you do not work up to your potential." I can only wonder why? I believe it has something to do with your fear of not living up to external expectations. There is a very real component to that.  I try not to get caught up with mandating
and judging you based on those external expectations (societal, educational and, of course, parental) but the reality is the external parameters , such as school grades, dictate your future choices.

The hardest thing a parent must do is watch their child learn through their mistakes and consequently feel hurt, disappointment and a sense of failure. I would do anything to protect you from that but I know that is not possible nor in your best interest. So, I continue to contemplate what I can to do support  you.? How can I let you know how much I  believe in you? 

The road must be yours to follow, the questions yours to ask, as well as answer, and the rules must be ones you ultimately define for yourself.  I can only hope that my actions during this time in your life- a time of discovery and transitions- communicate clearly to you my support and my faith in you. I hope that you will let me in on those struggles.  Not so I can fix them, but so that you do not have to deal with them alone or hide them from us. Now and always, I would like to be part of your journey as a cushion to fall on and a audience to applaud your successes.

I will continue to work on better understanding you and respecting you for the incredible person you are.
I hope, when you look back on this stage,  in the future,  you are glad that I was your
mother.

A Tribute to Mothers

We all have those phrases swirling around in our heads that are uniquely our mothers.
They are the ones that we “pooh pooh” at the time but then, some time later, realize how true they really are.

When my children were little, my mother would say,
“Little Children, Little Problems, Big Children, Big  Problems.”

When my children were young, while I agonized over every challenge , frustration, and the balancing of daily life with all my heart and soul, I thought clearly she just didn’t understand. At the time, it all seemed so big and important (and, back then, I guess it was)
Well, now that my children are much older, I see how true this is. In certain ways, I long for those good ole days when day to day meant juggling play dates, small little wants and needs and having the time to take a breath.

Now, it seems that life was so much simpler then.  Compared to today,  when your teenager is out for the night and you trust that he will be safe and smart and remember all you have taught and instilled in him. Or when  loving your child means making a $35,000/yr commitment to sending him to an out of state college of his choice or deciding whether your 15 year old can begin drivers education this summer.

So, Mom, I raise my glass to you and your “Good Health” (she only toasts to this and says “good health is the only thing that really matters” )
Well, a few recent health problems of my own have made me realize how true this one is, too!

So, MOM. Thanks, I've learned alot and  am still listening.

CREATIVE CHALLENGE:

While we take special time and care on Mothers Day and other holidays to tell people we love how important they are, I propose doing this on any day.  Contact us with your kind act and we will make sure to make your day special. too!

SHOW SOMEONE THAT THEY ARE APPRECIATED  TODAY 
SHARE THE SENTIMENT AND WATCH  HOW THIS  WONDERFUL ACT OF KINDNESS THAT CAN MAKE ANY DAY A SPECIAL ONE